Furthermore, many of our patterns of behavior, communication styles, ways we choose to handle conflict, beliefs and values all have their origins in how we were raised. Some of our patterns and decisions come as a direct result of our families: doing what they did according to how it was modeled; while others come more as a response to what we saw: doing the opposite of something we saw because we felt it was ineffective. Either way, we make many conscious and subconscious decisions in our future relationships based on our families of origin.

A lack of awareness of the learning that occurred in our individual families can lead to numerous difficulties in our marital relationships. Proper time and attention needs to be given to discussing the various beliefs and tendencies we carry as a result of how we were raised before entering into a long-term relationship.

The reality is that there will always be differences in how we were raised versus our potential spouses. I hope by now you are seeing the theme that having a lasting healthy relationship has less to do with whether or not there will be conflict (because there will be), and more to do with what you do with that conflict. (More on this in future posts…)

I am a certified facilitator of Prepare/Enrich, a very well-known and reputable premarital/marital counseling assessment and curriculum, and I find their presentation of family mapping to be extremely helpful in regards to this subject. In their assessments, Prepare/Enrich measures Closeness and Flexibility of both the partners relationship with each other, and both of the partners’ relationships with their families of origin. Both closeness and flexibility fall on a continuum. Your family growing up may have been anywhere along the continuum between overly connected and disconnected. In the same way, your family fell somewhere along the lines between very flexible and inflexible. For more information about Prepare/Enrich, or to schedule as assessment for you and your partner contact me here.

You will have certain perceptions and expectations, based on how connected or disconnected your family was, that will effect how connected or disconnected you are, and how much you expect your spouse to be. If person A grew up in an overly connected family, they may expect the same level of closeness that was in their family to be present in their marriage to person B. If person B grew up in a disconnected family, though, they might have a very different understanding of what is a “normal” level of closeness. Even if these two manage to strike a balance and land somewhere in the middle for their own relationship, it might not always feel like enough closeness to person A, while person B might be feeling smothered. You can see how these same scenarios would play out with the aspect of flexibility as well.

Closeness and flexibility are just two examples of difference in family of origin that will effect your marriage relationship.  There are many others as well, and we will spend some time addressing Family and Gender Roles in the next post. The best marriages don’t have to agree and be exactly the same on all areas. There does, however, need to be an understanding of each others families and what types of relationship norms and expectations will be carried into the marriage. Be sure to sit down with your partner and take time to discuss what you learned about marriage and family from the home you grew up in. If you aren’t sure where to start, feel free to schedule a session with me, or consider going through the Prepare/Enrich curriculum with a certified therapist like myself to discuss your families of origin. You will benefit greatly from the time and money invested at the front-end to build a strong foundation for your relationship rather than waiting for problems to develop.

Things To Ponder

As you reflect on your current relationships and your family of origin, what type of connections come to mind?

What expectations and perceptions have remained unvoiced up to this time that would be beneficial to discuss?

If I were to ask you if you generally believe that your future spouse (or current spouse/significant other if you are already in a relationship) has your best interest in mind or your worst, what would you say?

My guess is that 99% of you would answer “best” to both of those questions. When we take a second to answer these questions, we realize that the person we choose to be in a lifelong relationship with is someone who looks out for our best, and comes from a place of love for us. Based on that knowledge, we would also likely state that we too have their best interest in mind, and would believe the best about them.

And yet, when we find ourselves in conflict with our partner, we often react or respond in such a way that shows we think they are purposefully out to get us, trying to hurt us, or we assume the worst about them and their view of us.

One of the keys to maintaining a healthy relationship is being aware of when we are tempted to trade “best” for “worst”. We must consciously choose to keep “best” as our viewpoint for our response to our spouse, and how we interpret their response to us.

Gottman talks about this as having more positives than negatives in our relationship “emotional bank account”. The idea is that, if we have a positive view of our partner and their actions towards us, then one instance that does not line up with that view will be more easily dismissed. For example, lets take a minor issue like our spouse not taking out the trash. If you have been building a long list of negatives about your spouse and have begun to expect that they are purposely not taking out the trash just to spite you, this one small situation can blow up into the war of a century! However, if you have been focusing on the positive aspects of your spouse, and are choosing to believe the best in them and their intentions towards you, it becomes much easier to dismiss this small mishap as being out of character or just normal forgetfulness – not a strategic move to stick it to you.

As you continue to make positive strides towards Choosing Love that Lasts, be aware of the sometimes subtle messages you tell yourself regarding your spouse and their intentions. Create your own intentionality around believing the best in your spouse, and assuming the best rather than the worst when perceiving their actions and reactions. Creating this habit at the beginning of a relationship will save you many hours of working to undo this damaging viewpoint down the road.

What are some of the “bests” about your spouse that you want to intentionally remind yourself of today?

I hope you have found the previous posts and exercises to be helpful. If you are just joining in now, I would encourage you to go back to the beginning of this series and implement some of the ideas and action steps mentioned in previous posts.

With a greater understanding of yourself, your patterns and your core values, you are in a wonderful place to begin creating your Relationship Non-Negotiables. I feel like it is nearly impossible to create an accurate and complete list of non-negotiables without an awareness of core values, since the connection between what we place value on and what we must have to make a relationship work are interconnected.

Relationship Non-Negotiables are pretty much what the name implies: those things that you absolutely have to have in a relationship for it to work. This is not just one magic list that exists for all people (though we might be able to agree on a few things that would show up on most if not all people’s lists), but is your unique understanding of what you need to have to make your relationship successful. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you make your list:

Remain Objective

I want to make an important point if you are already in a relationship with someone. The most ideal way to create your relationship non-negotiables is from an objective place, not within the context of a specific relationship. Do your best to take on the role of observer and step back from the specifics of your current relationship into a place of more general analyzing relationships as a whole. This is not to become a list of things you already know about your partner or want to demand that they become.

Move from General to Specific

Ask yourself questions like:

What makes marriages work?

Who have I seen in my life that has a healthy marriage, and what characteristics were present that made it work?

Knowing what I know to be true about marriages, what components have to be present to make it successful?

Knowing what I know about myself, what specific foundational truths would have to be present to make my relationship successful?

What truths can I take from previous relationships that were or were not successful and apply to my future relationships?

What are the five most important things to me to have in my relationship?

Simplify

Practice making your answers short and concise. This is the same principle that works for writing missions statements or vision statements for businesses: short, sweet and to the point. Take a number of qualities or truths that you’ve identified and see if you can find a more general, more universal way of stating it.

Now that you know what to do, begin creating your list and remember to have fun with it! It may take time and a number of  edits to get it completed, but we are working on enjoying where we are in the process, so allow yourself the grace to develop along with your list.

In the last post, I encouraged you to take on the everlasting task of self-discovery. I hope that you found the ideas for action helpful and took time to examine some of the questions in the journaling section. They are a wonderful set-up for our topic today of identifying your core values.

There may be many different definitions of what specifically is a core value and how important of a concept core values are to one’s life and future relationships. We have already noted that our own specific combination of filters we see the world through are based on our life experiences, and effect who we are and what we care about. In the same way, we can not fully separate ourselves from our beliefs and values. It isn’t as simple as a hat that can be taken on and off at will. Knowing this leads me to emphasize the importance of core values.

Knowing what you know about yourself, what would you say are your core values?

Take the knowledge that you have gained throughout your lifetime from personality tests, strengths assessments, jobs and education opportunities you have pursued, relationships that have and have not worked and a whole host of other “you” specific qualities and characteristics you know to be true about yourself. Now begin to look for parallels and themes in your life. Underneath those qualities and traits in your character, what are the beliefs you hold about life and the world that lead you to place importance on those specific areas? If you came up with a top strength of Responsibility on the Strengths Finder exam, and you’ve seen it to be true in your life, why do you believe so strongly in Responsibility? What are the messages you tell yourself and others about being responsible? These are the types of questions that help you realize your core values.

Maybe another way of looking at or arriving at your core values is by seeing what you make time for. Are you the type of person that has to be outdoors, in contact with nature, and would feel completely dead inside if you ever had to work at a computer inside a cubicle, or live in the center of a busy metropolis?

Now, I want to take a moment to clarify that core values are not the same as preferences. There are many things that I prefer, but I could live without, or adapt to not have if only for a time. That is not the case with core values. To try to live a life without my core values would make me feel like I was a zombie, detached from my identity and my purpose. Core values are not meant to be compromised. Keep that in mind as you are compiling your list.

As you better understand and acknowledge what your core values are, you will find valuable application in so many areas of your life, not just relationships. As you know, the person who starts shopping for a red Honda will begin to see red Honda’s everywhere they go. So also is the relationship with your core values. As you know and emphasize your own core values, you will begin to see them in your work, your extracurricular activities, and in others. And if you do not see them represented, you might have had a light bulb moment as to what needs to change in your work, your activities, your relationships. Begin taking note of the core values of others based on what you see in their life. You are fine tuning your ability to find like-minded people, and appreciate the differences of others around you.

Continue to hold on to this list of core values. Remember that the process of self-discovery is a never ending one, and from time to time revisit your list. Be patient as we move through this process towards choosing love that lasts. We are building a foundation, and it will be necessary for moving to the next step.

When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don’t condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development.

The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.

A flower is not better when it blooms than when it is merely a bud; at each stage it is the same thing…a flower in the process of expressing its potential.”
― W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Tennis: The Classic Guide to the Mental Side of Peak Performance

I came across this quote recently, and was struck by the appropriateness of it’s application to the process that I walk through with my clients in therapy. And that I walk out in my own life. And that we are all walking out as we are in this process of changing, growing, and learning. And so I am taking a brief break from the blog series Choosing Love that Lasts to share it’s significant impact.

Too often I do not give myself or others the permission to fully be “in process.” And yet, we always are. There is no arriving at some end goal, and try as we might, our lives do not seem to move in a linear progression where we some day achieve and arrive at the final destination of fully actualized, healthy, whole, and then coast there until we die. Its probably more like a plate of tangled spaghetti where every one piece is intermingled and touches countless other pieces that all keep looping back around each other. We are always in process, always on a journey. Always being refined, renewing our thinking, becoming more aware of our identity and the potential that is locked inside of us. And no stage of that process is “less than” in importance, significance, or potential. It just is.

Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential.

If only I could get just this one part, I think it would drastically change how I view myself and others.

How would a greater grasp on this concept alter your life or the lives of those around you?

The idea that a relationship between two people is all about their connection and chemistry is really not the whole story. The reality is that you bring your personality, values, goals, finances, religious beliefs, family and past relationship learning into your marriage. The more you understand yourself and your own specific combination of strengths and weaknesses, the more accurately you will begin the foundation of your long term relationship.

When it comes to healthy relationships, two halves do not make a whole. Two broken people with unresolved past relationship pain will bring a lot more pain and potential struggles into their marriage than two individuals who have committed themselves to a journey of knowing and working through their pasts and pitfalls. We are all human, and there are no perfect relationships. We probably all, to some degree or another, can see the “dysfunctional” that was present in our own families. And we all learn and develop our patterns, habits, preferences, even ways of communicating as a result of the learning we did through our life experiences. Whether we like it or not, we bring our past into our present and future. It would be impossible not to. Sometimes we learn strategies that were modeled to us; other times we learn to respond in a way counter to what we saw. And some of these things seem to come out of us instinctively, or with very little awareness because it is just “how we always have done it.” Just be aware that, for every instance of “this is how I am,” your spouse will also have and be entitled to their own “this is how I am” reaction that often times is very different from your own. This will always be the case, because we are different people. But having greater awareness of our own tendencies ahead of time better prepares us for these moments in our long term relationships (because no matter how much we do this ahead of time, there will always be more of these moments that come up!).

So how do we not become overwhelmed by what could be a never ending journey of self-discovery? If we have to really know ourselves before we enter into a marriage, will we ever be able to get married? The reality is this: our self discovery is a never ending journey, and one we can and will go on with our spouses. So in the meantime, focus on the big aspects or major pitfalls that you know are present in your life, or that others know are there. If you came from an abusive family, spend time looking at the messages you walked away with concerning marriage and family, and the patterns that seem to happen again and again in your relationships. Do you know that you have a problem with anger? Maybe you tend to lose your own identity anytime you enter a serious relationship. Consider working individually with a counselor on your own identity or past family and relationship issues (I’d love to meet with you if you are in the Atlanta area!). Any time you put into this process before you are in a serious relationship will save you time and effort once habits have already begun to be formed.

I am a big fan of personality assessments, and tests that measure where your strengths or interests lay. The results of tests like the Myers Briggs and Stregths Finder often provide us with valuable information concerning who we are and how we interpret the world around us. Consider investing the time and money to take some of these inventories, and then talk through your results with someone you feel comfortable with.

If you want to make more of an effort to get to know yourself better, here are some action steps:

1. Set aside a set portion of money towards self discovery.

Put this towards books, personality assessments, counseling sessions, a journal, conferences or even activities you want to try. Any investment you make in bettering yourself will be an investment in your future relationship.

2. Schedule time specifically devoted to this purpose.

Set appointments to spend on self discovery. If you just wait for the time to appear, it will not happen. Make it a priority by scheduling it and protecting that time.

3. Journal.

Ask yourself questions like:

• What do I enjoy?
• What do I value?
• What are characteristics I see in myself?
• What are 5 of my strengths and weaknesses?
• What messages did I learn about marriage from the people in my life?
• What roles do I see myself performing in a marriage?
• What aspects of my family would I like to take into my future relationships and which aspects would I like to change?
• What are my dreams?
• What are my goals for the next year, 5 years, 10 years?

4. Take responsibility for what you find out.

Do not make excuses, rationalize, or blame others for the negative patterns you discover about yourself. We can not change what has happened to us, but we can change and remain in control of how we respond and move forward. Do yourself and your future partner a favor, and make the changes that are necessary.

5. Make a commitment to the life long journey of self discovery.

Do what you can now, but allow yourself to be in process. Any steps forward you take now are progress, even if you are not yet at your “end goal”. Do not allow the sometimes daunting task ahead to stop you from starting the process.

And don’t forget to enjoy and celebrate the journey! You are making the hard steps to choose love that lasts!

This makes me mad.

I am a strong believer in marriage. As a Christian, I take seriously the sanctity of marriage, believing that two people are joined together and become one, and that this union is not easily separated. Divorce is so painful and devastating because it attempts to rip apart something that was made into one unit. Divorce is never an ideal scenario. No one hopes that their children will one day grow up and get divorced. And yet I meet with so many couples who blindly believe that divorce will magically resolve the problems of a painful marriage. It will not. Some pains will be minimized, but other new ones will emerge. Of course, there are some situations where no other solution exists, but lets be clear: it is not the first choice.

A healthy marriage is the best option.

I realize that this may feel like an unobtainable option for some of you. Years of damage and pain in a marriage may leave you questioning if your relationship can ever be healthy again. It can. It will take work, lots of long hard work. And you will have to wipe the slate clean and commit to starting again. I know that’s not easy, but it is necessary.

So wouldn’t the easier answer be to just start with a foundation of a healthy happy marriage, rather than having to engage in the “undoing” process: undoing and unlearning bad habits and hurtful patterns? ABSOLUTELY YES!

My audience for this post is hopefully those who are not yet married. Single, dating, engaged: please listen.

Who you choose to marry and the habits and patterns you form at the beginning of your relationship will have a greater impact on your life than anything else. Ever. I can not emphasize this point enough.

And yet, we begin relationships based on some of the most ridiculous information we gather about others, often allowing our hormones and genitals to have more input than our brains or what we truly know about ourselves, the world, and what makes relationships work. Yes, sex and physical attraction are important parts of a relationship. But love does not equal attraction. And the physical chemistry that initially brought you together may not amount to a hill of beans when you are in your sixties and are desperately seeking ways to keep your relationship alive.

Love is a choice. You are not simply on board a ship that will take you wherever it wants against your control. You determine the course. You choose to make love work, and you create the foundation for your relationship. You either do this consciously or unknowingly, but either way it is your own creation.

Make wise, conscious decisions. Be purposeful in the foundation you build.

As I begin this blog series, Choosing Love that Lasts, I first want to awaken AWARENESS in you. You are in control of the choices you make. And it is very difficult to change what you do not realize you are doing. Take a long hard look at yourself and the patterns you see in your relationships. Are they things you would want to build a marriage on? Will they stand the course of time? What is working, and what needs to be revamped? We will cover some ways to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. It is never too early to start the process. Every effort you make to establish a healthy relationship before marriage will save you years of undoing in later years, so put the work in now. You will not be sorry.

I’ve come up with a delicious recipe that is simple to make, healthy and delicious! You could easily make this year round, but the heartiness of this dish and combination of kale and sausage lends itself well to winter nights.

I’ve recently gone Gluten-Free, and can enjoy this recipe without feeling like I’m missing anything. The chicken or turkey sausage adds loads of flavor. The quinoa boosts the dish’s protein content while adding a nice nutty type flavor and crunch. And the kale, well, I just love kale. I’ve been known to put it into all kinds of things. As a superfood, it is one of the healthiest things we can eat on the planet, so why not stick some in just about everything? Round that out with onions, and garlic, both known to boost our abilities to fight off colds and the flu, and cooked tomatoes packed with vitamins, and this is sure to be a winner!

Sausage and Kale Quinoa Bowl

Ingredients:

1 cup Quinoa

Water

Low Sodium Gluten Free Chicken or Vegetable Bouillon

Olive or Coconut Oil

1 Package All-Natural Chicken or Turkey Sausage, sliced into bite size pieces

1 medium Onion, diced

1/2 bunch Kale, rinsed and chopped

3-4 cloves Garlic, minced

1 can No Salt Added Diced Tomatoes

Sea Salt and Pepper

Fresh Grated Parmesan Cheese (optional)

Instructions:

Cook quinoa in water and bouillon according to package instructions (always rinse quinoa first).

While quinoa is cooking, warm large skillet to medium high heat. Add oil to lightly coat bottom.

Add sausage and onion, and cook until onion has become translucent and sausage begins to brown.

Add kale and garlic (and more oil if needed), and stir fry for 2-3 minutes, or until kale starts to cook down and wilt. You can cover the pan to help steam the kale.

Season with sea salt and pepper, add tomato, cover and reduce heat. Cook until everything is warmed through, 5-10 minutes.

Mix with cooked quinoa, and serve in bowls with fresh Parmesan if desired.

Enjoy!

One of the illiustrations that I find to be most beneficial when working with clients around relationship issues is to think of ourselves as a house sitting on a piece of property. Our property line forms a boundary separating us from the people we are in relationship with. We have a choice as to what type of boundary is present around our house. It may be a fence, or a wall, or maybe there is nothing there.

It’s easy to imagine the consequences of the various boundaries we can erect. A wall might be put up around our house if we have been abused or hurt in the past, and we decide we would rather not let anyone in than to risk being hurt again. The result is that others, both good and bad, are kept at a distance, closed off from us and we remain unable to have any real connections with others, or to receive the support we need. A house with no fence or barrier has a different problem, with little or no control over who or what enters their property or house. We may have no barrier if we are afraid of being cut off or abandoned by others, so we allow anyone in and are constantly trampled as people walk in and out of our lives with very little power to control this.

There are all different degrees to which we have boundaries/barriers to our relationships with others. The most healthy option, as highlighted in the book, is to have a fence around our house that has a gate in it. We all need a gate. There are times when we need to open that gate and allow others in to achieve happy, healthy relationships. Other people do not need to be let in to our house and it can be a wise move to close that gate to protect ourselves from damaging or potentially harmful relationships. We might benefit from evaluating what is already inside our gate and removing those things that are negative or dangerous.

I think it is important to note that the power of a gate is that it is under the control of the owner. You are the owner of your gate. You have the choice of who or what to let in, when, and for how long. You can chose to escort people out of your gate. You can kick out the bad, and take in the good. It is in your power. You hold the key, and have the final say as to how much you open or shut your gate. In extreme cases walls can be torn down, fences can be climbed, and houses can be broken into. This does not discount those situations. But with life there is always a certain amount of risk that remains out of our control. This does not relinquish us of the responsibility to manage our property as best as we can the majority of the time. Most relationships will have to submit to the boundaries that we put in place in our lives.

You may need to re-examine the boundaries you have around our house. It is never to late to make a change. Remember that you are the keeper of the gate, and only you hold the key.

So what do you do if you are prone to not follow through on your goals?

Here are a few tips for how to set and keep your New Years resolutions:

1. Set Realistic Goals:

This sounds so simple, and I know it is something that I’ve mentioned in previous posts, but I cannot overestimate the importance of being realistic with our goals or what we set for ourselves. If you have never run a day in your life, and you are tempted to set a resolution to complete a marathon this year, you may be setting yourself up for failure. A more reasonable goal would be to complete a 5K, or to jog two days a week. This type of rational applies to all kinds of goals, especially those that incorporate other people. If you have not spoken to your father in twenty years, expecting to have a great relationship by the end of the year may not offer enough time to reach your goal. Set smaller, more obtainable goals to increase success, and if you accomplish them early, you can still set a slightly more challenging goal. You develop a history of setting and succeeding at your goals, which means you will be more likely to continue succeeding at the goals you set.

2. Narrow your focus:

I know I am guilty of this as well, but sometimes taking stock of our lives in attempts to work towards change leads us to identify every area we need work on…all at the same time. We identify twenty or thirty things we want to work on or change. This can lead to a number of problematic outcomes. First, we might be so overwhelmed at the incredible list ahead of us that we never even begin. What started out as a positive exercise quickly turns into a hopeless cause, and we throw our hands in the air in exasperation, thinking, “Why bother?” Second, we may work ourselves into a frenzy for a few weeks or even months, spreading ourselves between too many “projects” before wearing out in complete exhaustion, never to resume our half finished projects again. Whatever the path that leads to these outcomes, we are more than likely again setting ourselves up for failure when we try to make too many changes at once.

Here are a couple ways I help clients work on narrowing their goals. One way is to think: Which area is causing you the most problems, frustration, pain, etc.? That is probably a good place to start, because more than likely the most significant problem area is also costing you the most too (in time, energy, worry, even financially). Another way to find where to start is by thinking which area, if resolved, would take care of a lot of other problem areas as well? That is often another great place to begin. If finding a new job would allow you to get your finances under control, pay off your debt, spend more time with family, and lose the weight you’ve put on from stress-eating, then maybe that’s a better place to start than any of those other areas inpidually.

3. Change what isn’t working

If every year you set a goal to do something, tackle it the same way you always have, and then never accomplish it, it might be time for a new strategy. You can stick with the same goal if you want, but maybe change your approach. Brainstorm with family and friends, or a counselor, in order to find a way that might help you reach your goal more effectively. Don’t let your pride or belief in the way things “ought” to get done keep you from experiencing true change.

4. Go public with it

Sometimes letting others into our plans for change can be a strong motivator for seeing results. The vulnerability and risk of possible embarrassment if we don’t follow through on what others know we are planning to do can help hold us accountable to our goals. Maybe a friend or family member has a similar goal, and you both want to help motivate each other towards change. Just be careful who you choose to hold you accountable. Confiding in already unhealthy relationships can cause more harm than good in seeing positive change.

5. Get to the root

There are times when the best plans still do not get us the results we want. We may be blind to some of the deeper issues at work in us that are keeping us from change, or may subconsciously be sabotaging ourselves without realizing it. If you have a pattern of failed attempts at change despite all your best efforts and want to get to the bottom of it, consider seeking professional help through a counselor, minister, or life coach. Sometimes this one decision to work on self may provide the tools for experiencing lasting change in a number of life areas. It’s not selfish to work on you first. It may just be the most effective use of your time and energy, and the key to finally experiencing personal breakthrough.

If you think you’d benefit from talking to a professional counselor about the changes you wish to make in your life, please feel free to contact me. I’d love to help you see your goals become a reality, and maintain the healthy changes in your life.